Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Cue in the Self-Doubt

Here's is what I am working on now. Since it is not part
of the new series, I am posting it.
For those of you who think that I don't have any self-doubt about my artistic ability, you're wrong. At the moment I am full of self-doubt. In fact, I am kind of drowning in it. I assume most artists experience this at some point, especially when trying something new, like, say a new series.  I am no different.

I have been working for three days trying to get what is in my head out on a panel and it hasn't been working. Part of it is my unfamiliarity with what I am trying to do. Part of it is impatience. I have worked so long on tight, figurative paintings that loosing up and doing something more "abstract" has been difficult. I am frustrated that I am not getting the results that I want NOW. I guess it's ridiculous for me to expect after three days to be proficient at something new, but I can't help it. I have expectations of myself and failure is not one of them. I am not very patient. I like instant gratification and so far I have hated everything I have tried for this new work. So here I am frustrated and doubting myself. What do I do now?

I think the best thing for me is to work on something familiar for the moment. I started a new "Forgotten Memories" painting and I am feeling pretty good about my abilities as an artist again. I'm thinking the best plan for me is to work on the new stuff in between the familiar so that I have some success in between the least until the new stuff starts to click with me. I don't want to give up my vision for this new series because, one, I think it's a worthwhile series, but also because I don't want to be a quitter. Being challenged and frustrated will help me grow as an artist, and growth is very important. I've said it before, and I will say it again: I don't ever want to become too comfortable or stagnant as an artist. If this means having moments of self-doubt and anxiety in order to do something new, then so be it. I know that the only way I can work through this is to keep painting and to paint A LOT. It's only through a lot of painting that I will be able to work things out and, hopefully sooner than later, get what I see in my head out for the rest of the world to see.

Can you figure out the "story" yet in this painting?

This painting is 36"x36". I am really liking this size.

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