During the summer I worked very hard at applying for a San Francisco Art Commission grant. It was an EXTREMELY stressful time as I came to realize that the application was due in July and NOT September, like previous years. I had less than a month to write a proposal and find a venue to show my work. Add in the stress of getting married in September, a wedding which still had a lot of planning and DIY projects to be completed, and I was a wreck!
I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted my project to be about although I wasn't exactly sure how I would execute it. I have a better idea now as I have been thinking about it for the past couple of months but it no longer matters. I found out yesterday that I did NOT get the grant. It was disappointing but surprisingly, not as disappointing as I thought it would be. I am upset that all the hard work that I put in (along with the help of Will Taylor and the staff at Artzone 461 Gallery) did not pay off. I think that it would have been a worthwhile project to complete and that a lot of people would have appreciated my concept and execution of this body of work.
If I am completely honest though, I would have to admit that I am a bit relieved. Had I gotten this grant, I would have been tied to this project for at least a year, which means that had I changed my feelings about pursuing this body of work, I would have still been obligated to complete it. Had I been inspired about something else and wanted to pursue that, I would have to wait a year to explore it. I know that I had some leeway with my grant project so that it could develop as I developed and I'm sure that I could have found some time to explore other ideas but it would not be like it is now. Right now I have the freedom to explore whatever projects I want, however I want. Perhaps this is my own way of protecting myself from really feeling disappointed with the rejection. Perhaps I am making excuses as to why it was a good thing that I didn't get the grant. Yeah, I probably am. But we do whatever we need to do in order to get past disappointment and move on because if we, as people, dwelled on disappointment and let it get us down, we'd never accomplish the wonderful things that perhaps we were more meant to do.
Am I still going to pursue the ideas I had proposed in my grant? Yeah, more than likely. Like I said, I think it is a worthwhile project and it has been developing in my head these past few months. It may change slightly as my perspective and skills change, but now I have the freedom to pursue it any way that I want to. Stay tuned to see how this project develops. It may take a little longer than it would have had I gotten the grant, but it will come to life.